Being hard on myself

This blog is a place where I sometimes share some of my innermost thoughts. It’s a place where I can be honest about how I’m feeling (right or wrong) and what I’m learning. Where I can lay my thoughts and feelings out before myself and others. It helps me process. To learn about myself, where I’ve been and where I’m going.

And I’ve been overwhelmed by people who have read this blog and felt something because of it. They’ve felt like they weren’t alone. Normal. And a little better knowing there are others out there who think like they do.

It’s started countless conversations that I would not have had otherwise. I have been deeply honored by these conversations! It has opened doors for me to get to know others better. To get to listen to others. To minister to others. To share life with others in a deeper way.

So today I want to share something I’ve been learning about myself lately that I’m sure some of you can relate to:

I am really hard on myself. I place unrealistic expectations on myself constantly and get frustrated when I am not perfect (which is never)!

This carries over into all parts of my life. If something isn’t perfect at home or at work I feel like I am to blame. If someone says that something needs to be fixed or has a small suggestion or is even just voicing a thought, I feel like they are thinking in their mind that I’m at fault and a horrible person – when that is probably, most likely not the case at all! The vast majority of the time, it’s probably not even remotely about me! So why the heck do I beat myself up over things that don’t even apply to me?!!! Why do I think it’s always about me?!! Everything is not about me!! When my husband voices frustration over anything, I feel like he’s saying there is something wrong with me. That there is an issue I need to work on. That I’m not good enough and the one to blame. I can’t let it rest! And it’s easy for me to worry and stress myself out needlessly.

I know I do a good job when I rationally think about it. At home, at work. I really do! I’m just so dang hard on myself! And if the smallest thing is said passively, I feel stress and feel like others are blaming me and think I suck.

I realize how crazy this can all sound, but it is what it is.

I’m just now in the beginning stages of realizing this about myself, and I’m beginning to see ways that I can control myself, my thoughts and my emotions. But I still have a long way to go!

I’m at a class this week, and so I talked to my husband on the phone about this tonight. The scary thing is we both have a problem with this! Fun! 🙂 But at least we both recognize this about ourselves now and maybe we can help each other along the way.

So there you have it! 🙂

I am continually amazed at the ways God is working on me. Gently making me aware of things we need to work on together. And then the ways that he helps guide me through the process of learning through relationships, things I read at the perfect time, etc.

But most of all, I’m thankful for a God who is so crazy in love with me despite all my craziness!! And God knows there’s a lot of that! 🙂

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